The Road to Hell is Paved....

Yeah, you know, "with good intentions".  Bear with me for just a moment.  As you know, Michael and I recently set off on a three week journey to the U.S. to reconnect with family and friends.  The first stop was Gatlinburg, TN for the Family Reunion.  The Smoky Mountains are a rugged, beautiful, majestic backdrop for what we discovered is one of the most bizarre and, I'm afraid, uniquely American experiences that we have ever encountered.  Pigeon Forge.  A town comprised of a six lane highway packed with a mind boggling assortment of amusements and gewgaws squarely aimed at the lowest common denominator of the American species.  Lest you consider me elitist, a full photo expose will be included and you may draw your own conclusions.

So, how does the title of this blog tie in with Pigeon Forge?  It's all about Dolly Parton.  Now Dolly Parton is an amazingly talented and very smart (really she IS very smart) singer who was born in Locust Ridge, Tn. in the environs of Pigeon Forge.  She sought to increase employment in a very economically depressed area by taking over a failing/failed amusement park and turning it into Dollywood.  And then Dollywood Splash Center and a chain of Dixie Stampede dinner theaters.  These employ over 3,000 people.  Mission accomplished.  However, we all know about mission creep.  From this noble beginning was spawned a miasma of the ghoulish, absurd and just plain ugly.  While our family largely remained in the Smokey Mountain Park doing nature-y things like hiking,  zip-lining and white water rafting, all of us, at one time or another, snuck off to partake of the sins of Pigeon Forge.  One car-less relative even begged us to take him there so he could photograph it for posterity.

Gatlinburg is touristy but Pigeon Forge enters a new dimension.  First, let us tackle cuisine -- a sure sign of the sophistication of any culture.  We counted over 20 Pancake Houses (known as flapjacks there) in a space of less than 5 miles.   Then there were the "Dinner Theaters".  We have already referenced the numerous Dixie Stampedes but there were more, many more.  Here we go with a brief list:  The Hatfield and McCoys Dinner Theatre, The Lumberjack Feud Dinner Theater, The Biblical Times Dinner Theater (honestly), The Smith Family Dinner Theatre and I think about six others.  One pictures wholesale murders at Hatfield/McCoys, we know there is a chain saw fight at Lumberjacks, Biblical Times was featuring Psalms that week.... what can we say.  Add to this the festive charm of every known fast food franchise in America and we have summed up the gustatory landscape of Pigeon Forge.

One of the many arcades lining the "strip" in Pigeon Forge.

Another one of the amusements on the "strip".

Another arcade flanked by miniature golf on one side and an ice cream parlor on the other side.

One of the many pancake purveyors in Pigeon Forge.

Only at the Biblical Times Dinner Theater can one get a 7 course feast of Biblical Proportions.

Pigeon Forge's version of Mount Rushmore with John Wayne, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe & Charlie Chaplin.

The Hollywood Wax Museum has it all.

King Kong towers above the museum clutching a biplane.

And next to the Hollywood Wax Museum is Hannah's Castle of Chaos.

And just down the "strip" is Wonderwork's upside down building...

which is next to the Hatfields & McCoys Dinner Show.

Another tourist trap on the "strip".

There is even a pancake house honoring a former president.

This is the Titanic museum on the "strip".

How many fast food franchises can you find in this photo?

The "strip" even attracts some Mennonite girls.

Another denizen of the "strip".

We spotted this on the way into Gatlinburg...

and had to stop to memorialize this in a photo...

but were lucky to capture the newlyweds coming out of the chapel.

And now, for all of you who natter on and on about the dangers of living in Mexico. Ha!  It is nothing compared to the lawlessness of rural Tennessee.  No contest.  I was standing in the checkout counter of Walgreen's when the call came over the PA.  "Security code, alert, Security code".  The cashier looked with disinterest at the two felons limping strangely out the front door.  I picked up the tabloid I had just paid for and exited along with an irritated employee who had pursued the scoundrels.  We stood watching them gimp off across the parking lot. "So, what's up?" I asked.  "Those jerks just stuck everything they could down their pants and high tailed it," she said.  "So, what are you going to do?"  "Don't know.  Nothing I guess.  Happens all the time."

I returned to the car and Michael and I set off back home as I reviewed the latest issue of the periodical I had just picked up entitled Just Busted.  A WEEKLY newspaper dedicated to those who had been arrested in the five or six small towns encircling Pigeon Forge.  Page after page of mug shots with charges listed below each flattering photo.  Special sections labeled This Week in the Drunk Tank or Latest Sex Offenders.  It went on for many, many pages.  At the bottom of each page in tiny type it said "All persons are considered innocent".  Yeah, right.  I could just picture the denizens of the county opening Just Busted and saying: "Ma, hey look, they got Billy Jo with his pants down again" or "Sissy, did you know anything about Cousin May and Cousin Lou running a meth lab up yonder?"  I was the envy of the family as we passed it around during dinner and they eagerly asked where they could procure a copy to take home.  Mexico is so civilized.

The reunion was great -- about 60 people made it this time.  I never do a travel log thing (unless I stumble upon a gem like Pigeon Forge).  But, for those of you who care, we moved on from the reunion to Boston where we saw both our sons in one place (a rarity) and ran from pillar to post visiting almost all our friends.  From there to Maine where we spent time in Portland with more friends and then celebrated my brother Steve's 70th birthday in Bethel Maine.  There Steve, I put it in print -- no denying it now.

Back to Mexico to discover our house had been sold while we were away, the insurance company was denying Michael's knee surgery (don't get us started) and that life had continued here without us (always a shock).  Now we are back in the saddle looking for a house, fighting with the insurance company and playing once more with our Mexico pals.

We will keep you updated on all the results of everything. Soon.  Meanwhile, thanks to all of you who hosted us, indulged us and continue to be the best friends and family anyone could hope for.  Cheers.

Late Breaking News:

Due to our tardiness in posting this blog more events have transpired.  We bought a house. It's a long story about going out with the purpose of procuring another long term rental and inexplicably (after searching for over year with a strict set of standards) buying a house in two days that violated most of our rules.  However, we really do love this house.  So, I guess that's what counts.  We will bore you to tears with photos of the acquisition in the next blog.

Michael goes in for his knee surgery on Thursday.  Predictably (or not) the insurance company refuses to pay for it (wear and tear they say).  I say, at this point everything is wear and tear.  They'll pay for a heart attack (five year olds don't get them with their new little hearts do they?) but not ripping your ACL.  Well, there are certain things beyond the ken of mortal men so this must be one of them.  We will chronicle our second round with health care SOB.

Regards to all.